I am so alone and lonely. I have my beloved animals, but all my brain keeps telling me is that they are old. They will die soon. I will have no one after they are gone.
I am trying my best. Trying so hard to just wake up every day. To get out of bed. To feed and medicate my precious babies. They need me. They have nobody else but me. To have such a responsibility is stressful. I am still awake. Running out of money. Calling in sick a lot to my job. This stress is unbearable. I lie awake Googling things like, “suicidal”, “depression help”, “unloved”. I’ve been in this darkness before. I will get through it. I feel like every time I go through this type of darkness, it takes a few years off of my life…
I have failed at this life. I am incompetent. I am not pretty. I am childless. I am old. I am desperate. I am losing my faith. I still believe there is a God. I just don’t understand him at all. I don’t understand how he let me be born.
What do I think would legitimately make me feel better and help me to keep going? I think about this all the time.
- If I could just pay off my debts. I owe about 13,000. Much less debt than many people, but it haunts me. It makes me sick. I hate owing money.
- If I could get a massage a few times a week. The kind from a real massage therapist. I truly believe it would help me feel better. More calm. Less afraid all the time.
- If I could have a husband/boyfriend/partner. Basically, someone to love me. It would ease my burden immensely, I am sure.
- If I could get enough money to start school in January. It is only $1500, but I just don’t have that money. The course is five months long. If I could successfully complete it, my earning potential would grow a lot. I want to be self sufficient. I want to financially take care of myself and my animals. I don’t need much. I just don’t want to have to depend on anyone else for finances ever again. It is shameful and embarrassing.
- I would like to get a couch and table and chairs for my kitchen. I sold my couch and dining set before I moved to my new place because there is far less space here. I still love where I live, but I just need smaller furniture. Furniture is definitely at the BOTTOM of my priorities. I just think my depression would ease a bit if I could walk into my home and see a couch and table and chairs instead of lawn furniture. Like I said, way at the bottom of my priorities, but I do think it would lighten my mood a bit.
So that’s it. It would not take much for me to feel better (I think), but this stress seems insurmountable. I feel frozen. I feel like I am drowning. I’m trying to catch my breath and stay afloat for the sake of my animals. I cling to the possibility of still being happy and loved in this life. I wish I could just give up, but I’m not made that way. I never quit trying for very long.
This isolation is unbearable. I think the shorter days have exacerbated my feelings. I keep telling myself to hold on. Ride it out. I will have a chance to rest. I will be able to smile and laugh and have hope again. It’s definitely harder to keep going as I get older… This life is hard. It is almost unbearable at times. Is this feeling of isolation and loneliness common? Other people I interact with on a daily basis seem like they are all coping. They are all waking up at a decent hour, getting dressed, eating and functioning. Me? I have difficulty rolling out of bed. I rarely get dressed and I am showering every other day. I struggle to even brush my teeth. I need help, but there is no help. My animals need me to keep it together, so I will for them.
Oh my god, this is dark. I hate November. Nothing but snow and isolation and loneliness ahead. Does anybody else out there feel these things too? Can anyone else relate?