It has been a long time since I’ve come here. Things in life seemed somewhat stable for awhile and, for that, I am so grateful.
My mind is racing because I am anxious. When I am beyond a certain level of anxiety, I freeze up. I am sitting in front of my computer when I should be doing things I need to do. The things I need to be doing are simple and yet I struggle. I need to give my dog his seizure medicine. My cat needs his thyroid pill. They are both almost an hour late. I need to put food in my fridge that is sitting out on the kitchen counter. I need to brush my teeth and sleep. It is almost 2am and here I sit, typing out words that I feel barely scratch the surface of how I feel. Do others feel like this? How do they deal with it?
I just finished scrolling through web pages I stumbled across after typing in the words, “crisis” and “help”. Am I in crisis? I don’t feel I am at the moment, but I feel I am on my way there in the next few months. It’s coming. Catastrophe will always come. I wish I could enjoy this moment when things are OK. That’s what anxiety and panic disorder do to me. They rob the calm and peace that seem just beyond my grasp.
I hate September. I have hated it ever since many of my friends got to go off to college or university and I was left behind, struggling to keep my head afloat while I longed for an education too. September is a punch in the throat for me. Everyone seems to be either going off to school, or enjoying the career their education helped open the doors to. I want to be a doctor. I have wanted to be one for decades. I know I will not be able to become one, but that “want” simply doesn’t go away, just because I didn’t have the opportunity to go to school. My cousin is a dentist. I cannot tell you how much it pains me that I didn’t have the opportunity to become a doctor but she had every opportunity. The difference? The parents she had.
So, while everyone seems to be excited over the cooler fall weather and the beginning of another school year, I DREAD the fall. I hate cold weather. I hate the holidays that are approaching. Every year it is the same. As summer comes to and end, so does my decent health and relative calmness. Thanksgiving is coming, an ever present reminder of my lack of family, lack of children, lack of love. Then, no sooner have I gotten past Thanksgiving, Christmas is on its way. Approximately two and a half months of preparation for the most miserable time of year for many people. After the festivities are wrapping up, my birthday comes in January. I will be 41 years old and a dismal failure at life. My life has not failed because of a lack of trying on my part. Life has just not become even close to what it should have been and could have been. I wish I was not as intelligent as I am. I wish I did not realize all I could have become. I wish my brain was simple enough to not care about the situation I am imprisoned in. I was almost about to wish that my heart did not feel as much… but I don’t want to ever be like that. I just wish I had thicker skin. I wish I didn’t wish for things. I wish I could just lay down and accept my fate and be done with it. I wish I knew why God made me.
This is how my mind works right now. It is a prison. I need to get out of this prison but I can’t escape. Since I can’t escape, I wish I could just learn to relax in my prison cell. Maybe paint the walls in here a nice colour. Add some pretty pillows to my prison bed and learn to enjoy it here. Maybe make some friends in prison also to share the experience and make it less lonely… but I feel I am in more of a “solitary confinement”. Being alone in my prison brain is never pleasant. I am too scared to abuse drugs. Too fearful of vomiting to ever become an alcoholic. How pathetic is that? To not even be able to drown my sorrows, even temporarily. Too scared to kill myself. Too in love with my pets to give up trying and live on the streets. Too anxious and in debt to get and education so I can dig myself out of this hole I am in. Forever.
Depression is gross. Anxiety is crippling. I’d call a crisis line but how could they possibly help me? I need a family. I need a career where I can earn a living and use my strengths and abilities. This is not where my life should be. I cannot begin to explain the tangled web of fuck that has brought me to this point. I’m pretty sure if I tried to explain it, nobody would be interested anyways.
It is now 2:37am. I did manage to put that food in the fridge and both pets have been medicated.
I have an old book that belonged to my grandma. The cover looks like it was printed in the thirties. I was thinking that, after I brush my teeth for bed, I should just lay down and try to read it. Maybe I can half convince my brain that it is existing in a simpler time. I wonder if there really were simpler times at one point? With all out scientific breakthroughs and advances in medicine and technology, you’d think we’d be calmer somehow. Things don’t seem calm to me though. Not at all. Maybe it was just as depraved and dark in the thirties as it seems to be right now.
I wonder if my writing seems as disorganized and non-sensical as a schizophrenic’s writings? I doubt it is that bad… but it may be just bad enough for the thought to cross someone’s mind as they read this. I’m never brave enough to read what I’ve written on my blog. I guess I don’t want to see how I appear to others.
There are lyrics to a song that go like this,
“Looking out to the hills, to the setting sun…
I feel a cold wind bound to come.
Another change, another end I cannot see,
But Your faithfulness to me is making it alright
These words are truth. Whatever comes, everything will be alright, but it may not be alright until the very, very, very end. It seems like that’s a long time to wait for things to be alright.
Just decided to share a photo of how calm I wish things could be more often. These fur balls are the reason I stay alive. The reason I even get out of bed some days. My babies. Also, the reason I have panic and dread. My worst fears involve them. The biggest stressors in my life circle around their lives…