It’s 4:44am. I haven’t slept yet despite taking enough sleep medication to knock out a horse. I Googled “how to write a poem” but I’m not feeling it. So here I am writing words in not-poem form.
I saw a very young woman singing a song she wrote on Instagram. It was about not being seen or noticed by people or someone specific maybe. she described the scenario so effortlessly. So many people commented that they loved it. I’m just sitting here thinking “how come noone notices when I express similar things?”
I’m pretty much obsessed with the question “Why does nobody love me?” Truly. I NEED to know. I’m ready to know. I figure maybe if I live 45 more years, I can work on myself so I can be loved. I’ve asked a few people before and they just reply “I don’t know.”. 🤷♀️
I’ve also gotten the response “You have to love yourself first. 🙄Then others will love you.”. The problem with that answer is that I DO love myself. I truly see my value. I see my worth. I always have. That’s why I truly struggle for the answer. I am consumed with figuring it out. I watch some pretty awful people from afar and I am in awe when it appears some people love them. How does it happen?
I used to think that because my nose is crooked, people are just disgusted by it and cannot see ME past my nose. I have gotten over that belief thankfully, because it comsumed me. Then I thought it was because my bottom teeth are not perfectly aligned. 🙄🤷♀️ I’m over that belief as well. Now I am fat and I find myself thinking that it’s not going to help my situation, even if it didn’t directly cause me to be unloved. I have been thin up until the past few years, and I was unloved through all that time too. So it’s not my weight. It’s obviously something about me. My personality obviously. But I have to say that people who hardly know me at all have gone out of their way to destroy me so it can’t be my entire personality.
Do I carry myself in a strange way? Do I have facial ticks or strange movements that make people not want to look at me?
About 15 years ago, there was someone older in my life who I looked up to. He was very charasmatic but had done some pretty sketchy things in his personal life. The things he did made some lose eapect for him and he just made himself look bad. He was very successful, career wise and for some reason he made my heart flutter. Looking back, what the fuck was I thinking? The guy was successful but he was also a douche bag and a lot of people knew it. Anyways, he drove me home from work one day and out of the blue he said ,”You’ll never get married.” It cut my heart so badly because I suspected he was right. I wish I had asked him why he said that to me. I still have to stop myself all these years later to ask him why. HE saw that thing in me that nobody wants! He saw it and I was too scaes to ask him what he saw. That’s the closest I ever got to finding out. I actually have nightmares about that guy to this day. Sometimes I wake up literally crying. I should have asked him what he saw.
I feel like posting on facebook “Please list the top five things you hate about me.”. But you know what? In all likelihood, people are not hating much about me at all… because they don’t notice me. They don’t see me. So the fact that I am unloved is also coupled with the fact that many people don’t even think about me enough to feel anything about me. That’s even worse. And it’s true. I feel lime I rarely cross anyone’s mind at all. That makes me afraid. I’ve been alone the first 45 years of my life and I was young and energetic and healthy during much of those years. I could work and take care of myself and my pets. As I age, I fear being alone and forgotten. I am afraid for my pets. If nobody cares about the isolation I face, they sure as shit won’t care about my pets. So I am afraid for them also.
I wish I could just get a little braver and make my post on facebook. But, you know what? It will likely not get much response and that would hurt also. No response would mean noone thinks of me at all. Absolutely painful and horrible to even think of.
I don’t believe in the god that Christians teach about anymore. I just don’t see the love in his followers. Truthfully, people who call themselves Christians have turned out to have broken me the worst. I sure hope there’s a god. That kind of love and peace sure sounds wonderful. But if a god does exist, he has to be bigger and better than the one I grew up hearing about.
So I’ve been typing for an hour now and I’m getting sleepy FINALLY!! 👍🏻🙏🏻 I have to figure out a way to ease this relentless heartache. I deserve to feel better. I deserve love and care and I deserve to be thought of. I am kind. I am hardworking. I am cute. I have a beautiful heart. I long for someone to remember me. One thing I do know is that my animals love me. I am so thankful for them. 💕
emboldenedgal 